[ what heine ends up seeing, probably, is a small bundle of wretched guilt. nill's shoulders slump as she also skids to a stop, her guilty expression completely incongruous with the melody in the background.
she messed up, again.
there's almost a part of her that just wants the ice to open and swallow her up already. even after she'd been the one to ask heine to mime through it once, she hadn't been mentally prepared for any of it at all. maybe she's not ready to skate with a partner. maybe skating with heine would just end with her holding him back after all. crushing guilt is the name of the emotion she feels right now, and suddenly, it's so hard to look up and meet heine in the eyes.
so she doesn't. she stares at her skates for a long, long time. ]
[ for a second, he sees a flicker of her again, but it passes. it's someone else standing there on the rink with him. nill, he presses into his own mind. that's her name.
after a long pause, heine finally skates toward her, cutting the distance between them in half but still leaving a good gap. buffer. ]
Sorry about that. [ heine winces at the sound of his own voice. ] I... I'll go and—restart the song.
[ these aren't the right words to make her feel better, something she obviously needs. heine has no idea what the right thing to say is, and he doesn't want to risk anymore. ]
[ that just makes her feel more wretched, honestly-- the fact that heine is apologizing for some reason, when it's her fault to begin with. but heine's words snap her out of her guilt-induced silence. shaking her head vehemently for a moment, she quiets down in an attempt to finally lift her eyes and look at heine in the face.
after a moment of silence, she digs out her notepad again, letting the usual motions calm her down a little. her pen hovers over the page for a moment. the words come out slowly, but at least they're coming, slow and shame-faced. ]
I'm sorry. I wasn't ready.
Can we try without the music?
[ it's the only thing she can think of to try and make this a little better, to try and show that she's really sorry and that she'll try harder. her pen pauses for a moment, and she scribbles, again: ]
[ heine stops halfway through his turn, seeing nill reach for her notepad. ]
No, it's okay. [ he looks like he wants to bolt, but he stays standing where he is. barely. a good part of his mind is still devoted to swimming through the morass of childhood memories. ]
Yeah.
[ heine clenches his hands in the hem of his shirt for a second, just briefly enough that it could be passed off as just drying clammy hands before he repeats, ] It's okay. I'll go and turn it off.
[ before nill can say anything else, he makes a sharp turn and goes to exit the rink. ]
[ -- leaving nill to stand on the ice, her heart sinking. did she really mess up so badly that he needs to get away from her? though something about his gestures had seemed jumpy, far more than just from anger, and it's something that she can't quite place. no matter what the reason, however, it leaves her forlorn.
by the time heine turns the music off, nill has pushed off to skate despondently to the place in the rink where they should start their routine. delicately, she pushes off , her arms in place and her footwork precise. she's slow and methodical, but she wants to refresh the beginning for herself, so that when heine comes back, she can.. not mess up as badly.
in the renewed silence of the rink, however, the air almost feels oppressive. she skates a few more of the choreographed moves before stopping short, letting herself glide on the ice with a heavy breath.
[ it takes longer than it should for him to figure out how to stop the strains of that song, partially due to his unfamiliarity with nill's mp3 player and partially due to the fact that there's a fine tremble to his hands. he grits his teeth and finishes what he's doing a little too violently, and has to take a deep breath before setting the music player back down.
he looks over the rink. nill's skating again, but she looks different. (of course she looks different, he reminds himself. they're different people.)
heine steps back onto the ice just as nill stops going through the choreography and skates over, not following her as she glides but waiting for her to be in hearing distance. ]
Let's go again.
[ what is he supposed to say when he can't even make himself skate properly? he knows they should probably talk through it, but that just seems kind of... insensitive, if she can't speak. he settles for mumbling, ] We can go over it after.
[ it's with a shy nod of her head that she agrees to heine's proposal. she, too, thinks that most people would talk it out, but-- she can't. and therein lies another thing that causes a barrier between her and her new partner, another thing for which the onus belongs to her.
still, and once again, she purses her lips, she's never been in the habit of giving up, if only because if she gave up, nobody else would care. she's always had to motivate herself. that's just the way it is. breathing in, she casts heine an uncertain look, before moving into their starting positions again.
maybe... it'd be help if they were slower, just miming it through. her paper pad still out, she writes: ]
[ heine is just about to skate away when nill writes something else on her notepad. ]
If you think slower would help... [ he's willing to try it. heine pauses for a moment before relaxing his posture slightly. heine knows that he's being too tense, if only by the ache in his jaw; he's clenching his teeth too hard.
this is his fault. he needs to get his shit together, fuck. heine nods briefly before going to his starting point. just before he turns, though, he remembers to ask, ] Would it help if I—talked through it?
[ if he looks like he's uncomfortable, he is. heine's abilities to accommodate other people's needs are very, very low. ]
[ that is okay, because nill's only ability is to accommodate people. heine's offer surprises her -- she hadn't expected, nor wanted, for anyone to have to talk more in order to compensate for her own silence. while she's also certain that that hadn't been heine's intention at all, she's still very grateful by the offer, nodding her head quickly to show that yes, she would like that very much.
it would definitely help. there's hope clasped in her chest-- she's sure it will.
getting into her starting position now, she looks over at heine expectantly. and then, she pushes off slowly, trying to get the slower rhythm just right. ]
[ heine nods back, if a little awkwardly, and finds his own starting position a few feet away from nill. now, with the rhythm cut in half, it's much easier to recall the still unfamiliar pattern of movements.
as they skate, heine calls out the choreographed movements loud enough for them both to hear. it's awkward, but if it has to be done, then so be it. fortunately, most of the choreography goes smoothly until they get to the lift again.
heine slows down even more as they draw closer to one another. they both know what's coming next—probably—and he can't get the words out anyway. ]
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she messed up, again.
there's almost a part of her that just wants the ice to open and swallow her up already. even after she'd been the one to ask heine to mime through it once, she hadn't been mentally prepared for any of it at all. maybe she's not ready to skate with a partner. maybe skating with heine would just end with her holding him back after all. crushing guilt is the name of the emotion she feels right now, and suddenly, it's so hard to look up and meet heine in the eyes.
so she doesn't. she stares at her skates for a long, long time. ]
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after a long pause, heine finally skates toward her, cutting the distance between them in half but still leaving a good gap. buffer. ]
Sorry about that. [ heine winces at the sound of his own voice. ] I... I'll go and—restart the song.
[ these aren't the right words to make her feel better, something she obviously needs. heine has no idea what the right thing to say is, and he doesn't want to risk anymore. ]
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after a moment of silence, she digs out her notepad again, letting the usual motions calm her down a little. her pen hovers over the page for a moment. the words come out slowly, but at least they're coming, slow and shame-faced. ]
I'm sorry. I wasn't ready.
Can we try without the music?
[ it's the only thing she can think of to try and make this a little better, to try and show that she's really sorry and that she'll try harder. her pen pauses for a moment, and she scribbles, again: ]
I'm really sorry.
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No, it's okay. [ he looks like he wants to bolt, but he stays standing where he is. barely. a good part of his mind is still devoted to swimming through the morass of childhood memories. ]
Yeah.
[ heine clenches his hands in the hem of his shirt for a second, just briefly enough that it could be passed off as just drying clammy hands before he repeats, ] It's okay. I'll go and turn it off.
[ before nill can say anything else, he makes a sharp turn and goes to exit the rink. ]
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by the time heine turns the music off, nill has pushed off to skate despondently to the place in the rink where they should start their routine. delicately, she pushes off , her arms in place and her footwork precise. she's slow and methodical, but she wants to refresh the beginning for herself, so that when heine comes back, she can.. not mess up as badly.
in the renewed silence of the rink, however, the air almost feels oppressive. she skates a few more of the choreographed moves before stopping short, letting herself glide on the ice with a heavy breath.
she wasn't doing so well, was she. ]
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he looks over the rink. nill's skating again, but she looks different. (of course she looks different, he reminds himself. they're different people.)
heine steps back onto the ice just as nill stops going through the choreography and skates over, not following her as she glides but waiting for her to be in hearing distance. ]
Let's go again.
[ what is he supposed to say when he can't even make himself skate properly? he knows they should probably talk through it, but that just seems kind of... insensitive, if she can't speak. he settles for mumbling, ] We can go over it after.
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still, and once again, she purses her lips, she's never been in the habit of giving up, if only because if she gave up, nobody else would care. she's always had to motivate herself. that's just the way it is. breathing in, she casts heine an uncertain look, before moving into their starting positions again.
maybe... it'd be help if they were slower, just miming it through. her paper pad still out, she writes: ]
Twice as slow?
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If you think slower would help... [ he's willing to try it. heine pauses for a moment before relaxing his posture slightly. heine knows that he's being too tense, if only by the ache in his jaw; he's clenching his teeth too hard.
this is his fault. he needs to get his shit together, fuck. heine nods briefly before going to his starting point. just before he turns, though, he remembers to ask, ] Would it help if I—talked through it?
[ if he looks like he's uncomfortable, he is. heine's abilities to accommodate other people's needs are very, very low. ]
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it would definitely help. there's hope clasped in her chest-- she's sure it will.
getting into her starting position now, she looks over at heine expectantly. and then, she pushes off slowly, trying to get the slower rhythm just right. ]
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as they skate, heine calls out the choreographed movements loud enough for them both to hear. it's awkward, but if it has to be done, then so be it. fortunately, most of the choreography goes smoothly until they get to the lift again.
heine slows down even more as they draw closer to one another. they both know what's coming next—probably—and he can't get the words out anyway. ]